When the thinking gets too much

At last, exams has ended for me and I have an early semester break. I'm supposed to be happy with the fact that it's all ended and that now I can finally do what I've always wanted to do while classes were still ongoing: wrap my newly bought books with plastic covers, do a water change for my aquarium which is long overdue and trim my aquatic plants, wipe the dust off my shelves, jog and go to the gym again and of course, catch up with reading and writing again.

However, with everything beginning to settle down, I'm afraid that my mind won't. Instead, no matter the circumstances, it will always be running wild like a nuclear reactor experiencing a meltdown. A terrible thing since I can't control what's in my mind most of the time. This dialogues, chain of thoughts which keeps going on and on, down the rabbit hole with no end in sight and late last year, even resulted in me being plagued by migraine for 3 days.

It gets so bad that I have to carry a small notebook around with me to jot down my thoughts in order that I will not 'lose' my thoughts for fear of getting an anxiety attack if I forget it. The good news is that this helps keep me calm in a way in that I have a referencing point in case my neurons gets lost.

It is so hard being me. Should I call this a disease or a mental illness? This 'neuron meltdown' has plagued me since childhood and because of this, I'm always too caught up in my own thoughts and appear distant or stoned to others. By being too caught up with what's in my mind, I've neglected to build relationship with others, friendships won't or barely lasts and of course, my social skills is almost non-existent.

Do I regret being like this? Once upon a time, I did. I couldn't accept the fact that I have a very very active mind and being unable to maintain my attention span for even a short time. Sitting still is a struggle, being able to finally fall asleep is one of the greatest gifts from God to me. But slowly, I'm learning to accept this big part of me.

Once upon a time, I struggle with the thought of why I'm the way I am. I could not accept myself and thus, always ended up depressed and melancholic. My obsession with this part of me became all consuming, an idol in my heart and mind. Nothing else matters but only me and my issues. It is so hard to let go, yes it is very hard, a struggle in fact.

But I finally decide to let it go. And with this post, tonight I decided in my heart to let it go and accept myself for who I am. It might look like a curse but I choose to see things from a different perspective and who knows, maybe it is a gift after all.